- Got A Good One? Send it
in!
Barbara:08/20/2008
Subject:
Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.'
'I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray
and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house;
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase...
in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well
be the solution.'
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
She saw the two male parrots inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
been answered!'
Spanish for your Nanny:
http://www.joecartoon.com/videos/661-spanish_for_your_nanny
Alex (of Course)
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on
a deserted island for Over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to
himself, "It's certainly too small to be a ship." And, as the speck got closer
and Closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a
raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a
wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of
the wet suit, there stood A drop-dead gorgeous blond! The glamorous blond strode
up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since
you've had a good cigar" "Ten years," rep lied the amazed Irishman. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve Of her wet
suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and
takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd
almost forgotten how Great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a
drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" Asked the blond.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten
years."
Hearing that, the blond reaches over to her
right sleeve, unzips a Pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened
the flask and took a Long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the
Irishman. ''T'is truly fantastic!"
At this point the gorgeous blond started to
slowly unzip the long Front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked
at the trembling man And asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to
his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there,too!"
Alex (of Course)
Two
women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a
Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The
lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They
walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark
glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no
pets allowed."
The
woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now.
They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The
lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a
seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she
put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once
again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You
don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The
bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The
woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a friggen Chihuahua?!"
Alex (of Course)
*Warning---if
you are drinking coffee, or beer swallow it now*
CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG
An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to
take home to their parent
They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they
decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns
which they painted with glaze
The clown planters were professionally fired at a
class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters
and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not
allowed to take them home
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy
replaced them and the children were then allowed
to take them home instead
The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea
at the time
...
...
...
May the rest of your day be the best of your day!
Alex:
I must
be getting old, I remember how it use to be!
Original Hollywood Squares...
If you remember the
Original Hollywood Squares
and its comics. These questions and answers are from
the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show
responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are
now.
Peter Marshall
was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A.
Paul Lynde
: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute
jump, at least how high should you be?
A.
Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette
):
Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long
as 5,000 years.
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to
sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.
Don Knotts:
That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet
a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive,
is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.
Rose Marie:
No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to
diminish as you get older?
A.
Charley Weaver
:
My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than
three words to say "I Love You"?
A.
Vincent
Price
:
No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I
Can't Get Enough"?
A.
George Gobel:
I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to
gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.
Rose Marie
:
You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear
leather?
A.
Paul Lynde
:
Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first
year?
A.
Charley Weaver
:
Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.
Rose Marie
:
Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to
discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics,
what is the other?
A.
Paul Lynde:
Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the
bedroom or in the closet?
A.
Ro
se Marie
:
Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.
Marty Allen
:
Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will
wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde
:
Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years,
what would you give birth to?
A.
Paul Lynde:
Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there
anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a
lot of people?
A.
Charley Weaver:
It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected
part of your body, what is it?
A.
Paul
Lynde
:
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great
Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to
do?
A.
George
Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period
of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde
:
Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is
responsible for its sex?
A.
Charley
Weaver
:
I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason
recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are
they?
A.
Charley Weaver
:
His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two
things you should never do in bed?
A.
Paul Lynde
:
Point and laugh.
|
Dorothy:
How
to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.
_____________________
Daddy, how was I born?
?
Sign of the times?
A
little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The
father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and
we
met at a cyber-cafe.
We
sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother agreed to a download from my harddrive.
As
soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
...You'll love this...
|
-
- Alex
-
CALMNESS IN OUR
LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use
a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the
Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish
all the things you have started and have never
finished." So, I looked
around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish
Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of
chocolates.
You have no idea
how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
- Mark
-
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.
Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches
the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, Though,
that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an
entrance examination for everyone.The test is short, but you have to pass
it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today
and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I
will give you credit for
that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I
thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I
see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell
me
God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the
first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from
the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.
. . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
- ALEX:
-
This year,
both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell on the same day.
"It is
an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to
a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves
a groundhog."
-
-
ANONYMOUS:
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's
neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When
the mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family
was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left
their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the
baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned
anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would
get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told
his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked
in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said,
"Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He
has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and
really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother
replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great,"
said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses."
-
-
- READ:Special Message from Anne S
Ana Maria : 03/27/2004
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets
out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it." The blonde says, "Don't worry."She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops
out of sight.
The man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
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-
- Alex (who else Submitted this) 03/18/2004
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- Alex :1/28/04
-
Robert De Niro on Saturday Night Live
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- Ana Maria : 11/14/03
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes
convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the
pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror
and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and
siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,
120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes
and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
> >
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-
- Anne S: 02/18/2004
----- Original Message -----
In light of the many perversions and jokes we
send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not
intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was
interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let
something like this happen?" (regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).
Anne
Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said "I
believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've
been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and
to get out of our lives.
And being
the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect
God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us
alone?"
In light
of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it
started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found
recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then
someone said you better not read the Bible in school .... the Bible says
thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as
yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr.
Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave
because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their
self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should
know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're
asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know
right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their
classmates, and themselves.
Probably,
if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it
has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
Funny how
simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going
to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the
Bible says..
Funny how
you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when
you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about
sharing.
Funny how
lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but
public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you
laughing?
Funny how
when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address
list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of
you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people
think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one
will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back
and complain about what bad shape the world is in!
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